Thoughts: Corona and mental health

Bear in mind this is from my point of view. I’m very privileged to still be working during this time. I acknowledge that. Yet, it has still been hard.

I want to share what I’ve been through, and offer myself up as an outlet, a listener for anyone else that wants to share what they have been through or are going through.

Setting the scene

On the 23rd of March 2020, the United Kingdom initiated a lockdown. A virus was spreading and people needed to stay home to help reduce the spread of the virus and the pressure that was piling up on our beloved NHS.

The world changed. We were locked in. Restricted. Supermarkets were barren. Friends and close social contact became a memory. Some people transitioned to working from home, others were placed on leave and the worst impacted lost their jobs entirely. A whip cracked through our society and we were left shocked and scared.

“From this evening I must give the British people a very simple instruction - you must stay at home” - Boris Johnson 23rd March 2020

My Life

I was lucky. My company could transition easily into a working-from-home model. Actually, I had already been working from home for a month. I had moved into an unfurnished flat and had spent a month shepherding around various deliveries and taking advantages of lunchtimes and no commute to unpack boxes or build furniture.

I was already tired of it before it even started. Having just been once into the office, the day before our company told us to go home until further notice. I already missed my colleagues, I already hated video calls and the over-communication required when you are working remotely. Now, I want to say, I actually enjoy working from home. I probably will do so once or twice a week going forward - when we resume being in the office - but my love for my job comes from my team. My amazing fantastic team. We work hard but we also have wonderful tea breaks or head out for lunchtime walks together. My company is the #4 greatest place to work in the UK and that plaudit comes with an amazing office and great culture.

It was all gone and I was at home.

I was fortunate that my partner was able to move in with me on the 19th of March. We didn’t expect lockdown but she had been told that morning to self-isolate for 2 weeks and I was already working from home so we decided to self-isolate together. It ended up being 4 months and it was a pleasant surprise. She was my rock, and I cannot imagine having gone through this without her support.

We had been planning to take a 2 week holiday to Vietnam on the 2nd of April, which obviously was cancelled. On coming back from that trip I was planning to get two kittens for my flat. With the trip cancelled, Boo and Nala moved in on the 19th of March - coincidentally the same day my partner found out she had to self-isolate. Again, these two bundles of joy would be pillars that helped me through this period of time.

Anxiety

The hardest part of lockdown was those initial 2 months. We were only allowed out once a day and only for some form of exercise. I understood the rationale and was deeply dismayed by the infection numbers and death tolls being reported but the loss of freedom triggered my own anxiety.

I was worried about the current situation. Worried about the impact of the virus and feeding on the feeling of fear that rippled throughout local society. On a run one day I stepped off the path to distance myself and pass a pedestrian, still, that person felt the need to loudly shout ‘SOCIAL DISTANCING’. On another occasion during a walk as my partner and I gave a wide berth to passing pedestrians along the riverside a lady frantically and distressedly waved her arms at us, indicating that we should keep our distance - we were already over 3 or 4 metres apart.

These interactions whilst small were common. People avoiding each other and the uneasy, unsettling feeling that everyone around you was a threat. We had been encouraged to not go to the supermarket but online alternatives were blocked up, sometimes with a 3 hour waiting time to only find out that there were no delivery slots. So we decided to go once every 2 weeks to the shop. Every single time was a harrowing experience.

Anxiety. Lots and lots of anxiety. Amplified by the lack of freedom. My anxiety/stress manifests in many ways but the most impactful is the IBS which can cause my mood to plummet.

Trying to make the most of going out only once a day. My body eventually started to show signs of wear. I twisted my knee on a run and put too much pressure on my clavicle doing Yoga. Daily yoga practices and my workout regime of running and weights had been my outlet for stress and anxiety. This was also taken away from me. I felt helpless and trapped and I really struggled. Really struggled.

I started to gain weight. My confidence dipped and stress levels went through the roof.

“I’ve been feeling really up and down the past few days. Partly because of lockdown and the situation. But also because my weight is shifting in a negative direction, I’m not really able to get out and do the exercise that I would want to do. I keep feeling insecure. I keep feeling insecure around myself, insecure around Joanna (which is ridiculous - because of the way she is with me)” - Diary entry from 16th May 2020 - My Birthday

Working through it

It was the pillars of support that I had which helped me through it.

My partner, we worked together as a team, bringing each other back up, supporting each other and just making the most of the situation.

The kittens, who provide lots of happiness, laughter and cuddles.

My therapist, who listened and helped me to work through all of this.

Exercise, which helped me to focus my mind and funnel my energy into taking care of myself and my body.

Friends and family, who battled through zoom fatigue to put on shoddy quizzes and lovely catch-ups.

Change

I’ve never been great with change. I like routine, consistency.

Those 4 months of lockdown were a tumultuous time. Lots of change, lots of uncertainty. Things that are not good for me.

Now that things are relaxed a bit more, we sit on a precarious edge. Social opportunities are available once more - albeit in a new form to before - and yet everything still comes wrapped with uncertainty and anxiety. People are still dying, world leaders are still making horrible decisions about how to combat and control this virus and things are far far from normal. I see photos or reports of breaches of lockdown and I’m filled with dread. I want to book time off and get away but the uncertainty means that I cannot book anything in advance. I still feel trapped.

My partner has moved out and I’ve been struggling with that change. It makes sense for both of us - I’m going to be taking in a lodger - but it’s still something to adapt to and I’m not in my best and most adaptive form at the moment.

I have great days, where everything is fine and I feel like I’ve really got it all together. Other days I’m nervous, anxious and stressed.

I’m getting there, day by day.